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“Think before you speak. Read before you think.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ”
― Fran Lebowitz

“A book is not supposed to be a mirror. It's supposed to be a door.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life

“Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”
― fran lebowitz

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. ”
― Fran Lebowitz

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“My favorite animal is steak.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“polite conversation is rarely either”
― Fran Lebowitz

“I write so slowly, I could write with my own blood and not hurt myself.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“When Toni Morrison said 'write the book you want to read,' she didn't mean everybody.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.”
― Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life/Social Studies

“Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.”
― Fran Lebowitz

“I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.”
― Fran Lebowitz