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Jennnifer Shields > Jennnifer's Quotes

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#1

“A room without books is like a body without a soul.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

tags: attributed-no-source, books, simile, soul

134610 likes

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#2

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe

147404 likes

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#3

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

tags: aliteracy, books, classic, humor

51379 likes

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#4

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

tags: animals, books, dogs, friends, humor

37930 likes

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#5

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

tags: humor, obvious, simile

35238 likes

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#6

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

tags: deadlines, humor, humour, work, writing

32103 likes

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#7

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor

tags: humor, religion

30163 likes

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#8

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

tags: chocolate, food, humor

26781 likes

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#9

“This life窶冱 hard, but it窶冱 harder if you窶决e stupid.”
― George V. Higgins, The Friends of Eddie Coyle

tags: humor, life, misattributed-john-wayne

11385 likes

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#10

“When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
― Groucho Marx

tags: friends, humor, jail

10180 likes

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#11

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

tags: humor

10131 likes

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#12

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant

tags: genius, humor, insanity

9901 likes

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#13

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”
― Mark Twain

tags: humor, writing

9612 likes

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#14

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz

tags: books, health, humor, misattributed-mark-twain, misprints

13751 likes

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#15

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

tags: fate, humor, simile

13148 likes

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#16

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

tags: humor, proverb

12868 likes

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#17

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

tags: god, humor, life

11607 likes

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#18

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: humor

9923 likes

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#19

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

9424 likes

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#20

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
― Mark Twain

tags: humor, politics

9087 likes

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#21

“Going to church doesn窶冲 make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, "Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ

tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious

8928 likes

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#22

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

tags: funny, humanity, humor

8847 likes

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#23

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.”
― Stephen King, Storm of the Century

tags: god, humor, religion

7968 likes

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#24

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

tags: classic-insult, funeral, funny, humor

7614 likes

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#25

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields

7429 likes

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#26

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz

tags: animals, dogs, happiness, humor, puppies

6765 likes

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#27

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.”
― Dr. Seuss

6641 likes

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#28

“Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

tags: deadlines, humor, procrastinate

6430 likes

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#29

“I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.”
― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia

tags: faith, fool, humor, self-confidence, self-irony

6441 likes

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#30

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Anthony G. Oettinger

tags: humor, misattributed-to-groucho-marx, time

6192 likes

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