老虎机稳赢方法

Funny Quotes

Quotes tagged as "funny" Showing 2,971-3,000 of 10,594
“Even a blind pig can find an acorn at times! I actually don't know what that saying means, but I saw it on Reddit.”
JJ Maybank

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“It's exhausting always being right.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“You have beautiful hair. It's like spun moonlight. Stunning.'

'I think I will cut it all off.'

Ash chuckled. 'You would, wouldn't you?”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions,' he said. 'Perhaps you've heard that?'

'Sounds like something you'd have embroidered on a pillow.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

“Why must every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery?”
Squidward Tentacles

“Please come again鈥 when I鈥檓 not working.”
Squidward Tentacles

“Another day, another migraine.”
Squidward Tentacles

Tamsyn Muir
“I want you lot to make that your motto. What we know is that we don鈥檛 know anything.鈥

Nona quite liked this motto. It was an accurate summary of her entire life.”
Tamsyn Muir, Nona the Ninth
tags: funny

Tamsyn Muir
“Honesty, this is a matter of life.鈥

The chain rattled and the door hesitated.

鈥淵ou鈥檙e s鈥檖osed to say 鈥榓nd death,鈥欌 he supplied.

鈥淚 have started to not believe in the other one,鈥 said Nona. 鈥淚t鈥檚 stupid saying 鈥榓nd death鈥 when most of the people who die get up and walk around again. Maybe if I said 鈥榓 matter of life and double death.鈥欌

Honesty said, 鈥淗ow about, 鈥楲ife and death where you don鈥檛 come back鈥?鈥

鈥淭hat鈥檚 so long,鈥 said Nona.”
Tamsyn Muir
tags: funny

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“What will you do, my lady?' Moonlight kissed the apple of his cheekbone as he tilted his head once more. 'You have no shadowstone dagger to threaten me with.'

'I don't need a dagger,' I said, my voice thready. 'And I'm not a lady.'

His head straightened. 'No, I imagine not, considering you're nude in a lake with an unfamiliar man, whose lip you bit upon meeting, and have seen the bare backs of many sailors. I was only being polite.'

My lip curled at the presumed insult. I knew I should let it go. Keep my mouth shut, but I didn't. I hadn't in three years, and my inability to do so had grown and festered into an incurable disease. The kind that provoked further, dangerous recklessness. 'What I am is a Princess who is nude in a lake with an unfamiliar man and has seen the bare backs of men,' I told him, speaking the forbidden. 'And you, with each passing moment, are getting closer to no longer having the ability to see anyone's unmentionable places ever again.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“In case you're wondering,' -his voice was a kiss against my skin- 'this is me intentionally staring.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“I'm still not afraid of you,' I replied, briefly glancing down. There was only a minor bit of relief when I saw several pale strands of hair plastered to my chest. They didn't hide nearly enough, but it was better than nothing.

'Well, I'm a little afraid of you,' he said, and he was somehow closer without seeming to have moved. He wasn't even a foot from me now, and an icy heat radiated from him, pressing against my flesh. His closeness heightened the sensitivity of every inch of skin. 'You want to claw my eyes out.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“I'm sure you say that to all the ladies you accost.'

'Only the ones I would be tempted to allow to try and claw my eyes out.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“I sat back, crossing my arms. 'Why are you even here? You could've left once you realised I was okay.'

'I could've left, but like I said before, it would be incredibly rude to leave someone unconscious on the ground,' he returned.

'Well, aren't I lucky that you're a polite pervert?'

Ash laughed, low and smoky. 'Why haven't you left, liessa?”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jarvis Cocker
“Anyone who thinks they鈥檙e sexy needs their head checked.”
Jarvis Cocker

Brandon Sanderson
“I was woman enough to admit that pushing myself now was a bad idea.”
Brandon Sanderson, Cytonic

Krystal Sutherland
“Look, fearless people are stupid, 鈥榗ause they don鈥檛 even understand what fear is. If I was fearless, I鈥檇 jump out of a plane without a parachute, or eat your mom鈥檚 cooking again鈥”
Krystal Sutherland, A Semi-Definitive List of Worst Nightmares
tags: fear, funny

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“I'm not sure why I'm still here talking to you.'

'Perhaps you feel indebted to me since I watched over you while you were unconscious.'

'I was unconscious for a few moments. It's not like you stood guard for endless hours.'

'I am quite important. Those moments felt like hours.'

'I do not like you,' I said.

He eyes shifted to mine, and that curve of his lips remained. 'But you see, you do. That's why you're still here and no longer threatening to claw my eyes out.'

I snapped my mouth shut.

Ash winked.

'The clawing of the eyes could still happen,' I warned him.

'I don't think so.' He bit down on that lower lip of his again, the act snagging my gaze once more. 'Besides the fact that you know you won't succeed, you said I was beautiful, and clawing my eyes out would ruin that, wouldn't it?”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“Is that a smile?' He leaned over, eyeing me far too intently to be serious. 'It is. You've greeted me with three of them now. Be still my heart.'

Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes. 'It must not take much to still your heart.'

'Apparently, it takes a mortal Princess,' he said.
'One who roams haunted woods in the dead of night and swims gloriously naked in a lake.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“You will not die by my hands, but I will have you soul for an eternity to do with as I see fit. And I have a lot of ideas.' He winked as he patted the mortal's cheek. 'Something to look forward to. For both of us.'

Saion laughed under his breath. 'He's giving like that.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“Impressive,' Ash murmured.

I stared at him. 'What is?'

'You.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“But there's something I want to make clear. You didn't do anything wrong to cause me not to fulfil the deal.'

I opened my eyes. 'Because you changed your mind and simply had no need of a Consort?'

'Especially not one who stabs me,' he remarked.

I frowned at the hint of teasing in his voice. 'Are you going to bring that up continuously?'

'Every chance I get.'

'Great,' I muttered, rolling my eyes despite the rising curiosity. 'Now I wish I'd stabbed you harder.'

'That's rude.'

'Some would consider leaving your Consort to be abandoned on a throne for three years rude,' I retorted. 'But what do I know?”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“So you eat food?' I asked, my thoughts reluctantly travelling to the conversation I'd had with Aios.

His gaze flicked up. 'Yes,' he said, drawing out the word. 'I can't survive on consuming the souls of the damned alone.”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“Are you worried Daddy Nyktos will be upset with you for allowing her in here and send you to bed without your supper?”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, A Shadow in the Ember

Jess-Liz Cross
“If he wasn鈥檛 her sworn enemy, killer, and a known lunatic, she may have admired his dedication to the cause.”
Jess-Liz Cross, The Final Downfall

David Nicholls
“Complicated. You're like a two-piece jigsaw-in thick ply.”
David Nicholls, One Day

David Nicholls
“That's a burrito. Fill it, deep fry it, melt cheese on it, it's an enchilada. A tortilla that's been filled is a taco and a burrito that you fill yourself is a fajita.'

'So what's a tostada?'

'We'll get to that. Don't run before you can walk.”
David Nicholls, One Day

Shelby Van Pelt
“If I could go back in time, I would collect all of it - sneaker sole, the shoelace, the buttons, and the twin key. I would give it all to her.”
Shelby Van Pelt, Remarkably Bright Creatures

Shelby Van Pelt
“Ouch. You okay?"
"Yeah, I think so. Slept weird last night."
He regrets the words as soon as they come out Is this what passes for a pickup line in your thirties? Complaining about back pain?”
Shelby Van Pelt, Remarkably Bright Creatures

“For lunch, we had mystery meat and instant mashed potatoes. I hate instant mashed potatoes. They taste like paste. I have never eaten paste, but I know kids who have. They say it tastes like instant mashed potatoes.”
M.D Spenser
tags: funny

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