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“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”
― Bill Watterson

“You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help.”
― Bill Watterson

“I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”
― Bill Watterson

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”
― Bill Watterson

“I'm a misunderstood genius."
"What's misunderstood?"
"Nobody thinks I'm a genius.”
― Bill Watterson

“I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
― Bill Watterson

“Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“I've been thinking Hobbes"
"On a weekend?"
"Well, it wasn't on purpose”
― Bill Watterson

“A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.”
― Bill Watterson, There's Treasure Everywhere

“Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.”
― Bill Watterson

“Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!”
― Bill Watterson

“I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Mom’s not feeling well. So I’m making her a get well card.”
“That’s thoughtful of you.”
"See, on the front it says, ‘Get Well Soon’ … and on the inside it says,’Because my bed isn’t made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love Calvin.’ Want to sign it?”
“Sure, I’m hungry too”
― Bill Watterson

“County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when...Hello?”
― Bill Watterson

“Calvin:"It says here that 'religion is the opiate of the masses.'...what do you suppose that means?"
Television: "...it means that Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes: Sunday Pages, 1985-1995: An Exhibition Catalogue

“I wonder where we go when we die?”
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“You mean if we’re good or if we’re bad?”
― Bill Watterson

“Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.

-Hobbes”
― Bill Watterson

“Scientific Progress goes boink?”
― Bill Waterson

“The best presents don't come in boxes.”
― Bill Watterson, The Calvin and Hobbes Lazy Sunday Book

“Idiocy is the essence of the male mind.”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“Wake up, get up… Shut up. Listen up… Throw up…Mix up, Goof up… Hurry up…"

"How's your day?"

"Looking up.”
― Bill Watterson

“Today for show & tell, I've brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show the card, you yell out the vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word they stand for! …Ready? …She's such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.”
― Bill Watterson

“Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!”
― Watterson Bill

“Quando olha para o céu e vê o infinito através das estrelas, você percebe que há coisas mais importantes do que as pessoas fazem todo dia.”
― Bill Watterson

“People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.”
― Calvin and Hobbes

“Hobbes: UGH! something under the bed is drooling.

Calvin: Start tying the sheets. We'll go out the window.”
― Bill Watterson, Something Under the Bed is Drooling

“I am disappointed that you have replaced some good, old-fashioned and humorous cartoons with distasteful ones. For example, "The Far Side" by Gary Larson is not funny, just lacking in good taste. "Calvin and Hobbes" by Watterson could be more acceptable if made less offensive (at times). "Doonesbury" and "Bloom County," I suppose, reflect our times. Far better for our newspaper to be working to change what is so unacceptable to us all in these times. Many other cartoons are funny, likable and reflective of the real and good in our country.
-- Mary Kohler, Yonkers (letter published in the Herald Statesman, Yonkers NY, 11/12/86)
Quoted in /The Bloom County Library/”
― Berkeley Breathed, The Bloom County Library, Vol. 1: 1980-1982